let's get one thing straight

Wednesday night was rough.

I mean... really, really rough.

It was the first night that I looked around and I thought "Dear Lord, please help me because I am terrified right now that one of my patients might die because there's simply not enough of me to go around"

I had six patients.

One receiving a blood transfusion, one with pain management issues because he had three surgeries within one week, and one who went into rapid A-fib with a sustained heart rate of 200 - 230 for over an hour, another one that had bradycardia runs with a heart rate as low as 39 at one point, a high fall risk one, and a fairly stable one on bed rest all night until he had runs of V-Tach in the early morning.

Our computers were down all night long.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to cry.

But I couldn't. I kept going. Nobody died. In fact everyone was safe, and managed well.

I didn't eat all night, and stayed late in the morning to finish charting, and felt bad because one of my jobs working nights is to get the charts checked and ready for day shift.

I cried in the morning when a sweet day nurse asked me how I was doing.

I was tired. I had been there for fifteen hours.

I was supposed to come back that night (Thursday) for my last and third shift of the week.

I called in.

I just couldn't do it.

I was so tired, and so overwhelmed.

I needed a mental health day.

But let's get one thing straight...

I wouldn't want to do anything else as a career. Nursing is beautiful. My tears and anxieties are not for me. They're for my patients, and the sorrow I feel when I just don't have the time to care for them like I want to, like they deserve me to. I love my patients. I love my job.

Nobody ever said nursing was an easy career, and some nights are going to be just as bad as Wednesday or even worse. But I still love it. I'll go back next week with my head held high. Everyone was safe. Everyone got taken care of. Everyone is alive. I am a wonderful nurse, and my patients love me. I know that because every single night at least one of them tell me so, and thank me for being their nurse.

I love being able to be that nurse.

{image from here}